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I would like to interrupt my daily program of posting nothing to present you with my roommate's new blog, Neon Doves. Click through for a healthy dose of debauchery, fashion, and real talk. She is master of the abbrev lang and excels at the art of pairing apparel.

My baking addiction is comparable to her clothing addiction. One of these addictions is much healthier for the general appearance of one's self, while the other is much better for the bank account.

Anywho, go check her out. Feel inspired by her clothing. Feel exhilarated at the way she puts together her outfits. Feel bad about yourself because nothing you have in your own closet is remotely as cute as what is featured on her blog. Just make sure to come back, ok?

www.neondoves.com

pb&j for the people.

Why do I do this to myself?

Why do I bake things that I know only I will consume for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? And snack. And snack #2. And snack at 3am on Saturday night. And also why do I continually swallow the stickers that come on apples?  Which just now happened for like the fourth time this week.

A coworker of mine brought a bar like this into work the other day and I flipped because why in the hell haven't I thought of that before? Pb&j's are my JAM, literally. I immediately asked google how to make these and found a recipe that combines the perfect ratio of peanut butter: jam. While looking, I was really enjoying the comments I came across about how easy it is to get kids to eat these bars and how they were a hit at my son's daycare! Well, obviously they were a hit. They are made of butter and sugar. Did you serve them with mountain dew as well?

Ah, I know. I have no idea how hard it is to take care of children and get them to consume nutritious food, let alone any food at all sometimes. But until I do have kids I am going to continue living in a dreamland where I believe I will only serve them fresh, local vegetables in their BPA-free glass food containers that never go anywhere near the microwave. They will also eat organic carrot sticks instead of French fries and will fold the laundry for me with their little baby hands and won't ever have snot running out of their nose. What?

On the real though, plastic tupperware really isn't chill. Whenever I heat something up I can taste the plastic that has leached into my food, which scares me but apparently not enough to get me to stop using shitty food containers. Kind of like how my doctor tells me to I shouldn't drink vodka and redbull because my heart is going to explode and how if I don't stop taking Advil on an empty stomach I'm going to thoroughly destroy my stomach lining <--- two things that continue to happen on the reg. One of which is a product of the other and therefore can't be controlled.

Back to the issue at hand. And really, they are an issue because you are looking at a dense, peanut butter base, sweet strawberry jam, and crumbles of peanut butter with salted peanuts on top. You're welcome and I'm sorry.

Peanut Butter & Jelly Bars

Martha Stewart

Ingredients

2 sticks butter, softened

3 cups all-purpose flour

1 1/2 cups sugar

2 eggs

2 1/2 cups creamy peanut butter

1 1/2 tsp. salt

1 tsp. baking powder

1 tsp. vanilla extract

1 1/2 cups jam (I used strawberry...grape would also be bomb)

1 cup peanuts

Directions
Preheat oven to 350F.

Grease a 9 x 13 baking pan.

Cream butter and sugar until fluffy. Add eggs and peanut butter until combined, about 2 minutes. Whisk together dry ingredients, adding to the butter mixture until just combined. Add vanilla.

Transfer two-thirds of the mixture into the baking dish, spreading evenly. Top with jam and spread to coat peanut butter mixture. Crumble remaining peanut butter mix on top. Sprinkle peanuts on top.

Bake until golden brown, about 45 minutes. Allow to cool for a few hours before cutting.

Confessions like Usher

Confession 1: I watch Judge Judy. I am a Judge Judy fan through and through and I will never deny it nor will I ever turn my back on her. Nor will I ever watch it without sitting, eating dinner in the dark in true white trash form. It wouldn't be implausible to think I tune in to get my fix of run-of-the-mill drug scandals or perhaps for some good old fashioned domestic disputes, but in reality it's because I take great enjoyment in listening to Americans butcher the English language. Favorite line to date: "I borrowed him the money."

I heard Judge Judy makes some ridiculous amount of money, like $50 million dollars a year, which makes me a little mad and also a little happy.

Confession 2: To me, Catfish on MTV is the ultimate. I have yet to decide if my enjoyment stems from Nev's face or the fact that I feel smarter than 100% 95% of the people on the show. I am very good at predicting what is going to happen and, in my humble opinion, excel at giving them advice from my couch.

"No! Don't knock on the door! I can promise you it's not going to be that hot chick you've been talking to, it's going to be a man! Oh my god it's a man."

Confession 3: Please know that I agonized whether or not to broadcast this on the internet. However, I pushed all better judgement aside because it's really just too good. You're welcome.

A couple weekends ago, in an attempt to do something honorable and philanthropic, I donated some cookies to my friend's nonprofit organization that helps children in Narobi, Kenya, for a fundraiser. But instead of, I don't know, doing a quick Google search for the flag of Narobi, I decided instead to just tap into my trusty memory, which resulted in me decorating them to look like the South African flag. I then proceeded to send them on their merry little way to the fundraiser so the entire world could get a good laugh at my expense. Gooooo team South Africa?

Also, I just now remember that while in Thailand my roommate and I met some very nice South Africans, one of which gave her some unrecognizable pills to help with cramps after he claimed to be a doctor. We were in a really rundown apartment near the bathrooms at the full moon party. This should probably be confession #4 because it's one of the stupider things we did in Thailand (sike). But I feel ok talking about it because she didn't die.

Mom if you're reading this I'm totes just kidding?

Things from my brain.

1. I walked out of Target the other day without having bought anything I didn't truly need, and I challenge anyone to come up with a bigger accomplishment than that.

2. You know when you're so hungover you literally can't stand up straight? And sometimes you can't see? That's the worst.

3. Nights out are super fun. But what's even more fun than the night out is the next morning with your girlfriends when you're talking about the night. And maybe jamming to some Backstreet Boys while you uncover forgotten pictures on your phone of you and your roommate shoving doughnuts in your face at 7-Eleven with a 3am timestamp. I'm pretty sure that's technically stealing but at a certain point it's like, are you really gonna arrest the disabled?

4. Yesterday I put my phone in the freezer and it was a good 10 minutes before I realized what I had done.

5. If I could bring anything back, it would be an excruciating decision between the show Are You Afraid of the Dark? and The Oregon Trail on those super old school Apple computers.

6. You know those people that are magical at convincing you the most idiotic things are the best idea in the world somehow? Like they could probably get you to cut off your own arm if they really wanted you to. My older brother is one of those. And it is to him I owe all of the weekday hangovers I have suffered.

7. I've come to the conclusion that the American language sucks. In the UK they get to say things like lovely, and mate, and holiday instead of vacation. But wait! my British friend said. You guys get to say stoked, douchebag, and gee whiz. Sweet.

8. Yesterday was National Peanut Butter Day. Ummmmm shut up.

To be honest, I wasn't planning to ever share this recipe on here. It's my favorite, and I feel it's my claim to fame, if ever I had a claim to fame. But I feel I wasn't truly prepared for a holiday as massively important as this one so I need to make up for my wrongdoings somehow. Therefore, you are about to be graced with a recipe for the chewiest, most flavorful, BEST cookies in the world. I could go on and on about these but I'm almost getting depressed thinking about them right now because I don't have any.

Peanut Butter Sandwich Cookies
Makes 44 sandwich cookies

Ingredients
Cookies
1 cup butter-flavored shortening
1 cup creamy peanut butter
1 cup sugar
1 cup brown sugar
3 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla extract
3 cups flour
2 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt

Filling
1/2 cup creamy peanut butter
3 cups confectioners sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
5 to 6 tbl. milk

Preheat oven to 375F.

1. In a large bowl, cream the shortening, peanut butter, and sugars until light and fluffy, about 4 minutes. Beat in eggs and vanilla. Combine the flour, baking soda, and salt; add to creamed mixture and mix well.

2. Shape into balls and place 2 inches apart on ungreased baking sheet. Flatten to 3/8-inch thickness with fork. Bake at 375F for 7 minutes or until golden. Place on wire rack to cool.

3. For filling, in a large bowl, beat the peanut butter, confectioners' sugar, vanilla, and enough milk to achieve spreading consistency. Spread on half of the cookies and top each with another cookie.

A not-so-secret secret: I use a melon scoop to measure out the dough for these so that each side is even. Without symmetry you have nothing! I just made that up.

Sometimes you just gotta say phuket and go to Thailand.

You know that really depressing feeling that washes over you the day after Christmas? There is such a buildup to the holidays, and then on the 26th you're sitting at your desk thinking how did that happen? Kind of like when you make out with a 22-year old in the middle of the bar and in the morning you're like how did that happen? Only different.

A couple friends and I decided we didn't want to feel those sad feelings this year, so we went to Thailand. Seemed reasonable.

So what happens when you and two girlfriends go on a three-week hiatus in a foreign country?

Well, for one, an insane amount of warm-weather lounging happens. Late-night parties in the jungle followed by mornings on the beach to watch the sun rise happen. Awesome people with accents in your general vicinity happen. Dangerous taxi rides happen.

An appalling amount of food happens. Food so cheap that you get in the habit of ordering ohhh, 3 entrees each just because you feel like eating phad thai, coconut curry, and spaghetti with coco pops on the side.

Hour-long massages for $10 also happen every morning, and buckets filled with vodka and red bull happen every night. Red bull that may or may not contain amphetamines because it's not regulated. Jk. Not.

The yearn to travel more happens, and that's when you have to look at your bank account to get your head right again.

Also, jet lag happens. A lot of it. I like to think of myself as someone that's really good at sleep, like it's kind of a skill of mine. I pride myself on my ability to fall asleep almost immediately without the use of Ambien or C-SPAN, so these past few days have really been the opposite of cool. I found myself organizing one of the drawers in the kitchen at 4am the other morning and that's when I put the can opener down and slowly walked back to my bed, ashamed. My roommate is also having difficulty acclimating, so we've been hanging out a lot in the middle of the night. You know, eating yogurt parfaits and stuff.

Yogurt parfaits and the occasional cookie. I meant to post these raspberry cookies before Christmas because they are so ridic festive, but I got caught up with the holidays. Translation: I got caught up with hot toddies and beer and out-of-towner friends at the bar.

But I just love these guys and you should too.

 A coworker of mine declared them as her favorite thing I've ever made.

What about my peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, though? I asked her.

No, I like these better.

But don't you like my peanut butter stuffed fudge cupcakes more than these? 

No, these are my favorite. 

ok. I will humbly take this as a reminder that others don't have the same dependency issues with peanut butter as I do. Which reminds me ---> NO PEANUT BUTTER IN THAILAND. What in the actual fuck?

 White Chocolate Raspberry Slice Cookies

Ingredients
1/2 cup butter, softened
1/4 cup sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
1 1/4 cup flour
1/4 cup raspberry jam
6 oz. white chocolate chips, melted

Preheat oven to 350F.

Beat butter and sugar in mixer until smooth. Add vanilla and mix. Add flour and beat until dough comes together.

Divide dough into three pieces and roll each piece into a 9''-long rope.  Place ropes 3 inches apart on parchment-lined baking sheet.

Press your finger into dough at 1'' intervals to make 1/2''-wide indentations. Spoon 1/4 tsp. jam into each indentation (sometimes I fill a ziploc with the jam and squeeze into each indentation to speed up the process).

Bake for 10 minutes. Let cool on baking sheet.

Drizzle with white chocolate. Once cool, cut ropes diagonally into slices.

Merry Christmas, fuckers.

I wonder if there will ever be a holiday that I wake up feeling great. Having the day off work, and therefore an entire night to dedicate to fireball, prevents this from ever happening. It's rude.

I have just accepted it as a part of life, a tradition if you will.

Are you judging me in your head right now? I have other traditions too! My little brother used to come sleep in my bed on Christmas Eve every year. Excitement would usually wake us up around 5 in the morning and would prompt us to talk in hushed voices about what we thought Santa brought us. For him, usually a gameboy or nintendo. For me, generally peace on earth. Jk. I always wanted barbies. This ritual died a few years ago when he got a girlfriend and told me he was scared he was going to start spooning me on accident in the middle of the night, thinking I was her. He is a terrible sleeper anyway. He sweats a lot and flails his legs about. But he is also obsessed with taking pictures of bugs on flowers and used to have a belt when he was younger that he thought made him run faster, so I think it's safe to say he is a really rad human.

One not-so-cool thing about him is that he couldn't care less about baked goods. So while I'm shoveling my face with almond toffee crunch cookies, he's generally sitting there. Not eating any.

Almond Toffee Crunch Cookies
Adapted from AllRecipes 

Ingredients
35 saltines
1 cup butter
1 cup light brown sugar
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1 1/2 cup milk chocolate chips
1 cup blanched slivered almonds

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Cover a sided cookie sheet with aluminum foil and line crackers on foil.
2. Combine butter and brown sugar in a saucepan. Stirring constantly, bring to a boil for 3 minutes. Pour over crackers completely.
3. Bake for 5 to 6 minutes. Remove cookie sheet from oven, place it on oven door and sprinkle chocolate chips over baked crackers. When chocolate get soft, spread over crackers with back of spoon.
4. Sprinkle almonds on melted chocolate. Place in refrigerator for at least 8 hours. Break into cookie-size pieces.

It took me a while to think about what to call these things. They are like toffee, and cracker, and cookie, and candy combined into one. So basically I could call them HEAVEN but instead we will call them almond toffee crunch cookies.

Put them in an old tea tin and give them as a gift. Oh you actually have money to spend on presents? Nevermind.

Real talk.

Let's talk about things I'm bad at.

I'm really bad at losing. I'm a terrible sport and it's best not to be anywhere near me when I'm losing at Scrabble, blackjack, or Mario Kart. I made a scene when my team lost the beer olympics at our most recent cabin trip, but I'm almost positive the other team was cheating. Omg see? I can't even control myself.

I'm bad at being on time pretty much anywhere. Tell me to be to your place by 6:00 and I'll be there by 6:30. Tell me to be there by 5:30 because you know me and I'll be there at 6:30. I know, it doesn't even make sense. I've been this way forever and it's not because I view my time as more valuable than yours, it's just because I'm wired this way. Yeah that's it, I'm blaming it on genetics.

I'm terrible at blogging frequently. How do others do it? And does their strategy involve cocaine or maybe crack?

I'm bad at trivia. Really incredibly bad at trivia. I don't think of myself as a dumb individual but I do when I attend trivia night. I contribute absolutely nothing to the group except maybe help with the team name at the start. Boy does that activity do a number on my ego. Then I go home and watch Jersey Shore and feel smart again.

And because it's only fair, now let's talk about things I'm good at.

I'm really good at singing in the car. Holy shit I sound so good! If anyone heard me singing I imagine they would say something like, have you auditioned for American Idol yet? My harmonizing is top notch. No but really, why does my voice sound so much better in the car? Please don't ever ask me to sing, because I'm actually terrible.

I'm so weirdly good at parallel parking. Not so good at driving in general.

I'm good at making Christmas lists for myself because I'm a huge brat. These lists take a lot of time and are very detailed and some say I ruin the surprise. I say I win at the game of Christmas. I'm also good at pretending these lists are the most important things to ever grace my parent's inbox. IT'S THE DAY YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR! was the subject of my Christmas list email this year. My mom thought I was super jazzed about election day because I sent it November 6. Nope, we have much more pressing topics to address here, mother. 

I am really good at eating really fast. By the time my parents are finishing their salads I'm already eyeing dessert. This particular point probably could have been placed in the bad category because some would say perhaps I don't savor my food but I prefer to view it as a positive. You know, in case I ever find myself in the middle of an eating competition.

I'm good at making this dessert. Partly because I've made it so many times and partly because it's crazy simple. 

This is one of those recipes that when you have people coming over and you're like oh em gee what should I give these people to eat?, you make these raspberry bars. They are quick, obviously delicious, and are best served alongside ice cream. Forget actual nourishment, just feed them these. Ok maybe you should make them dinner too. Top ramen?

Raspberry Streusel Bars

Ingredients
1 1/4 cup quick oats, uncooked
1 1/4 cup flour
1/2 cup brown sugar, packed
1 tsp. baking baking powder
1/4 tsp. salt
1 1/4 sticks butter, melted
1 C. raspberry preserves
3/4 C. white chocolate chips, divided
1/4 to 1/2 C. toasted chopped almonds

Preheat oven to 350F.

Combine oats, flour, brown sugar, baking powder and salt in bowl. Melt butter in microwave in a large bowl. Add oat mixture to butter and combine with fork until mixed and crumbly. Set aside 1 cup crumb mixture.

Press remaining crumb mix onto bottom of an 8-inch square pan sprayed lightly with cooking spray. Bake 10 minutes. Spread raspberry jam evenly over baked crust to within 1/4 inch of edges.  Sprinkle 1/2 cup white chocolate chips.

Combine reserved crumb mixture, remaining 1/4-cup white chocolate chips and chopped almonds. Sprinkle over fruit mixture, pressing lightly into fruit. Bake 30 to 35 minutes or until golden brown. Cool completely on wire rack (this takes a while before it's solid enough to cut without making a huge mess, usually a couple hours). Cut into squares to serve.